Roof Rats

My granddaughter has a fancy starter piano with eight colorful keys. A flip of the switch and she can play musical notes, animal sounds, or hear the colors of the rainbow. She’s not even a year old so she pounds more than plays, creating a chorus of owls, frogs, birds, and rabbits. Those four I can handle. But every now and then she throws in a squirrel and the hairs on my neck stand at full attention.

Mr. Squirrel is on the far left

Maybe you agree; it’s a little odd to include a rabbit in keyboard animal sounds (does a rabbit even make a sound?) Admittedly, the little piano trill conjures a furry friend with a twitching nose.  On the other hand (paw?) the squirrel sound is a toneless gnawing burst, sounding very similar to the real squirrels who sharpen their teeth on my metal gutters.  Whoever created this keyboard is having a good laugh at my expense. “Let’s see; I have the entire animal kingdom at my fingertips and I only need to come up with eight sounds.  Let’s go with a squirrel!”

Breakfast is served!

You sense my wrath already (and I’ve only logged a couple of paragraphs).  But here’s the thing.  I’m sitting here at my kitchen table, typing away, and I can’t claim full concentration because I’m expecting the sound of rodent enamel on metal at any moment.  Words fail to describe it.  Just imagine the grind of a dull hand saw… back and forth, back and forth on the gutter.

It’s not like the squirrels don’t have other nearby options for hanging out.  We have fence lines dividing our pastures; convenient raceways when the squirrels dash to their trees and back.  And about those trees: dozens of pines and oaks, with broad branches inviting a squirrel nest or ten.  So why is one of them always attracted to the heights of my house?

The battle began last spring.  The squirrel scampered happily across the peaks and valleys of my roof, pausing occasionally to gnaw a shingle or a gutter.  Eventually he discovered one of my vent pipes tasted pretty good too, and realized with just a bit of mouth work he could open up access to the inside.  Now we have a problem.  I pictured all kinds of mayhem inside my attic: droppings, nests, stolen insulation, chewed electrical wires.  It was time to take action.

My initial defense was a complete failure.  The former owner left a full-size plastic owl behind – one of those bobble-head figures that looks remarkably lifelike.  So I placed the owl close to the house and watched through the windows.  Bobble bobble.  The squirrels hesitated from a distance, eventually crawled cautiously closer, then pretty much made friends with my plastic predator.  I checked Mr. Hoots recently and noticed his ears had been chewed off.

When yet another squirrel called “dibs” on my roof a few months later I knew it was time to get serious.  Looked into my options and dropped a few bucks on a Crosman “American Classic” bolt action pellet pistol, a variable-pump long-barrel that looks more intimidating than it shoots.  You drop in the ammo, pump a few times, and the compressed air blasts the pellet to kingdom come.

harmless

Now then, here’s why my pellet gun was about as effective as the bobble-head owl.  One, my shaky hands have the gun pointing everywhere but directly at an annoying squirrel.  Two, I’m old enough to need readers to align the sight at the end of the barrel.  And three – and here’s the kicker – the impact of the pellet is nothing more than a gentle nudge.  Seriously, these squirrels have so much fur and fat they could probably take a dozen pellets while pawing their little noses at me.

smug

It’s a humble exchange – the squirrels and me.  The first time I shot anywhere near one of them, I kid you not – he ducked.  He was poised on my roof line staring down at me, wondering what the heck I was about to do, when suddenly BLAM! and my little pellet went whistling harmlessly over his head.  Then came the ducking move and the amused stare, as if to say, “Missed me!”

So why do I still fire off a pellet every time a squirrel goes gnawing on my gutter?  I think it’s one of those false senses of accomplishment.  I take the shot, the shot misses, the squirrel relocates to the other side of the roof, and all goes quiet for another hour or two.  Yep, I showed him.

So the battle rages on.  There will be future chapters to share in this space, and… and… and right on cue, there goes the hand saw again.  Gnaw gnaw gnaw.  Time to holster my American Classic and take my best shot again.  Oh wait, hold the phone – heh – it’s just my granddaughter playing her little animal sounds over in the living room.  I think I’ll go teach her a little something about dentistry and extract a piano key.

Author: Dave

Four hundred posts would suggest I have something to say… This blog was born from a desire to elevate the English language, highlighting eloquent words from days gone by. The stories I share are snippets of life itself, and each comes with a bonus: a dusted-off word I hope you’ll go on to use more often. Read “Deutschland-ish Improvements” to learn about my backyard European wish list. Try “Slush Fun” for the throwback years of the 7-Eleven convenience store. Or drink in "Iced Coffee" to discover the plight of the rural French cafe. On the lighter side, read "Late Night Racquet Sports" for my adventures with our latest moth invasion. As Walt Whitman said, “That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.” Here then, my verse. Welcome to Life In A Word.

32 thoughts on “Roof Rats”

  2. We sometimes refer to them as tree rats, but I like roof rats better. You mentioned that your “vent pipes tasted pretty good” and I know that story. One squirrel destroyed a vent pipe to the point that we had to have it replaced and the area around it re-shingled. Then we had to hire someone to set squirrel traps on the roof. We got one squirrel dead to rights, as in he died inside the trap before the critter getter guy could get to the house to release him. I tried to feel sorry for the squirrel but couldn’t.   

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Identical experience with the vent pipe and the trapper, Ally (I chose to leave out those gory details), only the trapper couldn’t get the squirrel out of the trap after he died, and accidentally dropped him into the roof cavity above our screened-in porch. Thankfully it wasn’t above another part of our house. He’s still up there…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. We don’t get many squirrel here in the desert. If we did, we have hawks, snakes and coyotes that keep the population low and off my roof top. Rabbits — don’t get me started on rabbits, they seem to avoid most predators. Strangely, just last week we got a text message from our neighbour saying that a skunk had dug a hole under our fence and we should check out the damage. He caught the skunk in the act on a wildlife camera he has. I was stunned that we have skunks out here in the desert.

    I’d suggest that you need to up the caliber on your weapon, but if you forget your glasses, you might cause more damage to your house than than to the squirrels. Maybe you need to get a few real owls or hawks on the property.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m seriously considering a mechanical owl or two. My dad had a few on the rooftop of his waterfront restaurant and they really did keep the seagulls at bay (literally). Otherwise, I may call you to borrow a hawk, snake, or coyote. Er, not one of those last two.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Mr. Hoots! Ha! THAT’S a hoot. Hilarious they nibbled off the owl’s ears.

    I thought this would be about actual rats on your roof, which I could 100% relate to. I think you have it a bit easier with squirrels. They’re way cuter than rats. And what do squirrel droppings even look like? I have no idea. Although, I don’t hear the rats gnawing on the gutters. That does sound… grating. But they big jerks eat our oranges, no matter what we do, so… Maybe I should get a gun and heat seeking goggles, since they’re out after nightfall. Super creepy going outside after dark and hearing them scatter. Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Heat-seeking goggles! Stealth mode! I like it. I could do with a laser-pointer on my pellet gun. Taking any and all suggestions at this point, Betsy. The battle continues.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. My dad is currently battling squirrels with his pellet gun too! Although the ones at my parents house only raid the bird feeder and not the gutters. It is entertaining seeing them leap from the tree to try to get on the bird feeder, my own personal National Geographic show.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No joke about a squirrel’s ability to leap, Lyssy. They drive our dog nuts because they can scamper up a tree lightning-fast and then hide on the backside of the trunk. It’s like they disappear into thin air. Then our dog paces back and forth at the base wondering where the heck they got up to.

      Like

  7. I am so glad Pellet Guns don’t kill Squirrels. I just read another idea is to put Mace in your garden or mulch and they will leave it alone. You start seriously killing them and we can’t be friends anymore. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Despite the damage and annoying behavior, my intent is never to kill but to just get them off my roof and back to the trees where they belong. Trust me, the “gun” feels more like a toy when I consider the impact of the pellets. I’ll be lucky if I ever make contact anyway 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  8. There is a funny commercial for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration about a child who asks her mom to make different wildlife noises. The commercial is a hoot as mom obediently goes through a litany of animals/birds as the youngster keeps calling out different names, until she gets to giraffe. Mom says “giraffe – really?” Then makes an attempt at a giraffe noise. I heard the commercial dozens of times before realizing it was for NHTSA (and I think for child car seats). Dave, I may have an affinity for squirrels BUT they are mischievous and their gnawing has caused me some grief as well. My grandmother got squirrels in her attic. She was watching TV one afternoon and heard the pitter patter of little feet overhead. She called in an exterminator and he was able to trap them, but the damage was horrible where they gnawed on wood all over the attic. It was a costly venture for her. I still use a landline, primarily for work, but about every two years, the squirrels will chew on the materials that protect the phone wires and, once the wires are exposed to the rain or snow, the phone goes dead. The AT&T repairman told me “I know I have job security because of the squirrels!”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s kind of a “we were here first” attitude down here (and the coyotes display the same confidence). I’m sure the squirrels are thinking, “Why thank you, Dave!” as I offer up my house with only the slightest of resistance. Honestly, if they’d just nest in the trees and quit their gnawing on anything metal or plastic, I’d welcome them with open arms. Interesting how it’s only the brown species (at least down here) that need to gnaw. The black-face and other squirrels just go about their business with acorns and pine cones instead. Anyway, as I said, the battle continues. I’m considering mechanical owls. Seriously.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The brown squirrels here are bolder and braver about everything – the smaller ones are skittish. I once went to a country craft show and bought a life-size Holly Hobbie wooden ornament for the backyard. She had an oilcloth dress and bonnet and her shoes were part of the base and painted black. The bonnet was stuffed with batting giving her a 3D look. My neighbor helped me pound it into the ground by my pink roses … I should have taken a picture that day. The next day, the bonnet was ripped open and batting was stuck on all the rose bushes – grrr. The dress was in shreds. Then they chewed off the feet and one of her hands.. It looked awful and it next went into the garbage. Somewhere I have read about sensor-activated sprinklers being used for wildlife. It might have been for deer or raccoons to keep them from eating plants. That might work for your furry friends if you could mount it up high – of course leaving the windows shut all the time would be a drag too. I found it on Amazon – will send the link separately so this comment doesn’t go to your SPAM filter.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thanks Linda. Guess chewing the ears off my owl is nothing compared to your “scarecrow” destruction. Whatever you wanted me to see from Birds & Blooms didn’t translate into WordPress – just a blank preview screen.

        Like

  9. Hope you nab that rascal! We have them at the Alberta House but their numbers are kept in check by the owls and hawks in our woods.

    My husband doesn’t like that they store their spruce cones in the engine compartment of his vehicles.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m guessing owls and hawks get their fair share down here too but the squirrel population far exceeds that take. And yes, if by “get” you mean “relocate”, that’s my plan!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I feel your pain with the pesky squirrels! Why in the world something so cute has to also have such a destructive nature is beyond me. In addition to squirrels, we also have woodpeckers who are not happy with their numerous tree options… they like the gutters just like your squirrels do. Oh, that sound! Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We had a woodpecker at one of our former houses, who loved to do his thing on the metal flue pipe of our chimney. Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat. I’d throw tennis balls at him but I think it just annoyed him. We’d light a fire inside in hopes of heating up the flue, but I’m not convinced it made a difference. The woodpeckers were protected, at least in our community, so all you could hope for was to scare them off.

      Like

  11. I love watching the circus-squirrels perform in our backyard wooded area–the scampering on treetops, leaping from tree to tree, playing spiral-tag along the trunks, etc. But when they start to cause mischief, that’s when they stop being cute!! Your roof rats may think they’re very smart, but I’m counting on you to have the last WORD, Dave!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I’m guessing that selection of animals was chosen because they are most likely ones to be seen or heard in towns or suburbs (rather than cows, sheep, etc). This squirrel has one up on you if he’s gnawed on the owl!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m thinking flamethrower. Although that might be better used on someone else’s house and not yours.

    I have lost all kind thoughts towards squirrels. Yours noisily gnaw at gutters – irritating, but they won’t cause actual damage. I think I would prefer that to the way they silently, stealthily gnaw on the rubber parts on my car. My windshield washers now spray on the ground under the right front wheel, and most of my under-hood insulation is gone. I no longer swerve when one runs out in front of me on the street.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Trust me there’s plenty of gnawing going on down here as well, JP. Anything plastic seems to suit their need to sharpen their teeth. And once they discovered a hole in one of our patio furniture chair linings, the cotton-like filling was up for grabs for their tree nests. I’m finding little white bits all over our property now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Also, the flamethrower is a good idea with some target practice away from my roof. I’ve never thought to wonder what roast squirrel tastes like until now.

        Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.