When I first started piano lessons as a kid, my teacher gave me a little book of scales and keyboard exercises called “Teaching Little Fingers to Play”. I came across that book again recently, and the title made me think about smartphones. Our grandchildren will get their very first phones one of these days, on which they’ll be teaching their little fingers – not their little voices – to play. Maybe the first word they should type is T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
Travis Tritt also wrote “T-R-O-U-B-L-E “, one of his country music hits from the 1990s. The song’s chorus starts out with Well hello, T-R-O-U-B-L-E, Tell me what in the world, You doin’ A-L-O-N-E. Kind of describes kids and their smartphones, doesn’t it? They let their fingers do the talking instead of their voices. It’s hardly a personal relationship with whoever’s on the other end, but more like the one you and I’ve developed through our back-and-forth blog comments.
If you’re an adult with kids who have smartphones, you’ve probably had the following conversation at some point in their lives: Daughter: I talked to Jacob today. Dad: Did you actually TALK to Jacob? Daughter: Well no, we were texting but you know what I mean. Sigh…
In a sense (or several senses), smartphones weaken our human connections instead of strengthen them. Think about it: before the traditional telephone our default means of communication was face-to-face (sight). Then the telephone comes along and we go ear-to-ear instead (sound). Then the smartphone replaces ear-to-ear with typing (touch). On the one hand it’s technical evolution; on the other, social regression.
Have a conversation with most members of Gen Z and you’ll want to type A-W-K-W-A-R-D. The dialogue (if there actually is a dialogue) doesn’t flow. They’re hesitant to offer insights or ask questions because they can’t back up the cursor and retype to get their words just right. There are moments of uncomfortable silence; lots of them.
Moments of silence used to be a good thing. Flashback to my teens, when a relationship with a girl meant spending a lot of time on the phone, defined as a corded handset held up to the ear (instead of a speakerphone where you multi-task). Those conversations were priceless to a young person. Phone calls helped to overcome shyness, and were practice to express feelings or ask a girl out on a date. Sometimes we’d just stay on the line in silence, enjoying the fact we were the only person in each other’s moment.
Phone calls also helped me learn to talk to adults (and credit to my parents for not making them for me). I still remember those first few dials to people or businesses, nervous over the fact it was me initiating the conversation. What do I say? Won’t I sound stupid? I hope my voice doesn’t crack.
Texting absolutely has its merits, as a recent article in The Atlantic argued. When exchanging brief, useful information, texting is dreamily efficient because there’s none of the “water cooler” effect. As they say, get in, get out, and move on. But when it comes to opinions, recommendations, or more detailed information, phone calls are essential, if only to allow the voice to add emphasis and/or emotion. The Atlantic article made several arguments in support of the “gauche” phone call but surprisingly, “developing conversational skills” didn’t show up until the final paragraph.
When I moved away from Colorado after almost thirty years, I left behind a particularly close friendship, one where we’d see each other weekly for an outdoor jog together. But thanks to Zoom, I didn’t really leave it behind. Once I got to South Carolina we looked at our calendars and booked a monthly videocall, where we could have the same conversations we had on the trail, with added ability to share photos, links, and documents in the moment. Our conversations are as spontaneous as they were when we were face-to-face. It’s a great way to keep in touch and maintain a relationship because technically… it’s a phone call.
Maybe Gen Z will figure this out before Gen A takes its rightful place as America’s youth. If you can’t be face-to-face, at least pick up the phone and have a voice call. Keep the topics light and spontaneous. Let the conversation flow, and don’t get distracted by typing, emojis, or multi-tasking. Build the relationship.
Dare I say it, there’s another word to be spelled on this topic: A-I. I can envision a day when you’re talking to a friend, only you really aren’t because he or she has created an avatar who looks, talks, and thinks just like they do. Heck, maybe their avatar is talking to your avatar, and you’re not even around to witness the conversation! I’d call that another way to spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
Life In A Word 
Have the same piano book
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Building relationships is where it’s at. We can’t have too many true friends.
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I had a piano book just like that. I much prefer face to face or at least voice calls. I think our young folk miss out on a lot when they just rely on texts. I do use texting with family, but more for just “information” stuff like, “I’m on my way” or “Did you want fries or onion rings?”
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Even with my own texting I find myself wondering how the words will be interpreted. When you can’t use your face or your voice to add expression there’s more room for “error” in how the message will be received.
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I read the article in The Atlantic and wondered how our future is going to be. I have this image of being old and in a nursing home forced to text the nurse who is standing beside me instead of speaking to her directly because she can’t deal with in-person conversations. 🤔
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I hope your nurse will still be a real person…
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I’m very glad I grew up before cell phones and social media. Facebook came out mid way through high school, but nobody used it like they use Instagram today and we had to use the home computer to go on ha! The amount of fights my sisters and I had over the computer mouse is pretty silly. I will say my grandma is almost 96 and the gifs she uses when texting is very impressive!
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You describe our own kids’ experiences, Lyssy, and I’m glad they were well behind today’s technology at the time. Their first cell phones were “for emergencies only” and had little functionality beyond phone calls. They shared the home computer using physical software on discs. When the Internet debuted texting was too basic and inconvenient to be the mainstream communication it is today. By the time social media matured they were old enough to handle it. Our grandkids are too young for any of this but it will be a challenge for their parents that we never had to deal with: navigating the introduction of today’s technology into their young lives very, very carefully.
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Great post, Dave. Lately, I’ve been calling people at work. SO TIRED of the long emails that go back and forth with zillions of people copied on it when a 3-5 minute call resolves an issue. It is interesting to see where we are headed with AI.
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I see the inefficiency you describe in so many group texts and emails. At some point with all of the back-and-forth, you have to wonder, “Why doesn’t someone just pick up the phone and then we can all work this out so much quicker?” 😦
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What I like about emails and texting is that there is a written record! Yesterday my husband and I both read the same text from our daughter and had two different impressions of what was said. So we reread it and realized that just one word, if missed, changed the meaning quite a bit!
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It’s a great point about electronic communication, Margy. When my son-in-law was about to propose to my daughter a few years ago, he and I were texting back and forth as we coordinated his surprise ask at a nearby hotel bar. The details of that conversation are priceless, since the hotel only allowed us a fifteen-minute window where they cleared out the bar to make the proposal private. I saved that conversation and sent it my daughter several months later, just so she could read how it all played out behind her back.
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This is an interesting topic Dave. Young people don’t know how to communicate … they’re too busy staring at their phones and have no sense of how to communicate with people. I remember being taught how to use the telephone, even how to answer it when I was very young and being taught to look at people when I spoke to them. If I put my head down or was sullen, I’d have heard about it, believe me. I see younger people than me, not necessarily teenagers, walking along the path at th Park, staring at their phones or walking a dog while staring at their phones. I guess I don’t understand that, but then again, I don’t text or e-mail anyone from my phone – it is only used as a device to have for an emergency. I’ve worked from home since 2011 and I communicate a lot by e-mail with my boss. His computer is not on his desk, but in a corner of his office … that’s not good if I need to reach him. If I call and he’s on the phone (since I can’t tell from 13 miles away), he calls back, in a petulant mood and says “you were ringing in my ear” … so I usually resort to e-mails and, if urgent and I need an answer to something I’m working on, I print the e-mail(s). He’ll deal with “X” many e-mails and then he calls me and says “okay, tell it to me in your human voice.” 🙂
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“Tell it to me in your human voice” – ha. Sounds like you and your boss have a system that works well enough (if not the most efficient). Yes, I think a lot of parents were like yours and mine, intent on turning their children into young adults with manners and such. Look a person in the eye when you talk to them. Stand up straight. Lower your voice (for us guys). The list was endless, but I’m endlessly grateful for their brand of parenting.
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Yes, we’re sometimes like the Bickersons, more so when I worked on site. I have worked from home since 2011 and not seen my boss in person since October 2012. I am grateful for how I was raised too Dave. I even was taught to curtsy – that was a “thing” for young girls to do when meeting someone. Boy do I feel old writing that. 🙂
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Great post, Dave. I’m afraid my grandchildren and their generation will never REALLY know what it means to have a conversation with someone (like you and your friend used to do). And the problem with emails and texts is that nobody really reads them, they just skim over the words and assume they know what’s being said. Sad, sad, sad. By the way, I learned piano with the very same book.
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There are a few other references to the John Thompson book in the comments. Guess we were all turning the same pages at our pianos!
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I remember that Travis Tritt song. I don’t even like country, but that song was catchy. Absolutely agree about cell phones. Bad news on many fronts. People don’t know how to connect anymore. It’s hard for young adults to meet each other and have conversations and actually DATE thanks to the prevalence of hook-up apps. Ugh. I even read that kids have harder times reading facial expressions and social cues when they’ve grown up with devices. Lots of negatives. 😦
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Ever see a couple at a restaurant, facing each other, both with heads down focused on their smartphones? We see it all the time and wonder why. I’ll admit to doing the same with my wife every now and then but it’s only at the start of the meal, calendaring for the week ahead. Then we put our phones away for the evening and have a real conversation.
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I’m glad my kids are old enough to have not received cell phones until the beginning of high school (or 8th grade for the youngest).
I got a surprise call from an old friend the other night. I felt really honored, and we had a great conversation. I need to pay that forward and call another old friend.
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I got an unexpected email from an old friend the other night, who told me he’s not much of an (email) writer and hopes I’ll pick up the phone and call him so we can have a real conversation. Perfect timing with my topic. Now I just need to follow through…
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